Sunday, 16 June 2013

Guess who?!

Right, I haven't written on here in soooo long wow! I've been so caught up with exams and cw tbh but now I'm free! However, I'm not sure if I'm going to be posting here frequently because I created another blog (click here to see) and I don't know what I'll be writing here. I may just stick to the trials/tribulations style I started with.

Urrrrmmm, what have I done recently that's noteworthy? I've done half of my A2L assignment, hopefully I pass both of them ebcause I love Leeds uni so much. But you know what worries me and I lament over it for so many hours a day? How much I actually want to go to uni. Like, don't get me wrong I do want to go: to experience the life, improve my knowledge on the disciplines of economics and aspects of politics etc. But I don't know JUST how much I want to go. I don't feel that crazy push in my heart telling me that I must go or bad things will happen. I feel like I've got myself way too caught up with this housewife mentality that I've now managed to convince myself that university is futile. *sigh* Besides, I feel like the work I've put in for my A Levels shouldn't go to waste. 

By housewife mentality I mean that the main thing I look forward to (aspire to) is being married and having kids to look after. Ofc I don't intend on just looking after kids forever but I don't think I'm looking for those 'die hard' careers. I want to focus on my kids and don't want a case whereby I'll have to have nannies looking after them. Which then makes me thing about if getting into uni debt is worth it if that's what I want. Plus, I'm hoping my blog kicks off so I can have things like conventions for muslim sisters and whatnot. I wouldn't just want to sit at home doing nothing, I would want a business to run but I don't think I'm looking for some glamorous career. This mindset I have makes me feel very naive at times because what if I don't get married? What if I never have kids? What if I regret not going to uni because I was too focused on uncertainties? Like, I don't want to live a life of regrets. Imagine, I'm tearing up just writing this because that's how much these things worry me. So I'm just going to move on, I don't wanna start bawling. I just really hope God guides me in the right path and I don't make silly mistakes. 

Moving on. I've been thinking about letters that I want to write. Letters to my kids, husband and a few to myself. I think I'm going to write a number of letters because I think my thoughts/perspectives on thinks could change and I'd want that documented if I'm honest. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to address these letters lol because these people are all just possibilities and not guaranteed aha. I think I'm going to type the letters as well because then I can carry them around (through life) without worrying about losing them. Unless of course my emails or laptop decide to clear my files! I'm so excited to write these letters. I was going to write one today but I don't want to end up crying loads so I'm going to do a couple tomorrow. With the letters to my kids, I think it's just going to be me telling them how much I love them and can't wait to meet them and things I want to experience with them and teach them. Plus, when I do give birth to them I'm going to write them a letter every birthday and probably give it to them when they're 18 or something. I don't think I can even express how often I think about love and my kids. Pretty sure it occupies a massive space in my thoughts, it's all I think about! I can't wait to love my kids, hold them, treasure them! Even my husband, I can't wait to roll over in the morning, look into his face and thank Allah for blessing with such an amazing person! Right, I'm getting kind of moist now but you get the gist aha. Lately, I've become so soft it's kind of worrying. I'm hoping it's a phase and I'm not really a softie but I doubt it lol, I think the soft side of me is winning the war against my 'hard' side. 

Anyways, I've finished exams and I'm free forever! LOL, well not forever but you get the gist. I'm going to Nigeria in like three weeks and I actually cannot waaaaiiitttt! This summer is going to be amazing! I can't wait to see my parents especially, it's been like 9 months. I think I've changed so much since the last time I saw them but I hope they like this change lol. I think I've written enough now, don't want to bore whoever is reading!

'It's been said that seeing is believing. But the fact is, we all have our blind spots. Sometimes we recognize them ourselves. Sometimes others recognize them for us. Distance has a way of distorting the things we see. But what appears as an obstacle may in fact be an opportunity. The trick is having enough faith to carry through'