How many years later?

Wow, so I've just realised that I created this blog SIX years ago! Whooooaaaaa! That is such a long time ago, feels like just yesterday when I was in my ICT class creating my blog account. 

I kinda wish I still wrote on this blog often. I think after my exams, I'll begin writing more - inshallah! 

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it" - Aristotle

ox

Guess who?!

Right, I haven't written on here in soooo long wow! I've been so caught up with exams and cw tbh but now I'm free! However, I'm not sure if I'm going to be posting here frequently because I created another blog (click here to see) and I don't know what I'll be writing here. I may just stick to the trials/tribulations style I started with.

Urrrrmmm, what have I done recently that's noteworthy? I've done half of my A2L assignment, hopefully I pass both of them ebcause I love Leeds uni so much. But you know what worries me and I lament over it for so many hours a day? How much I actually want to go to uni. Like, don't get me wrong I do want to go: to experience the life, improve my knowledge on the disciplines of economics and aspects of politics etc. But I don't know JUST how much I want to go. I don't feel that crazy push in my heart telling me that I must go or bad things will happen. I feel like I've got myself way too caught up with this housewife mentality that I've now managed to convince myself that university is futile. *sigh* Besides, I feel like the work I've put in for my A Levels shouldn't go to waste. 

By housewife mentality I mean that the main thing I look forward to (aspire to) is being married and having kids to look after. Ofc I don't intend on just looking after kids forever but I don't think I'm looking for those 'die hard' careers. I want to focus on my kids and don't want a case whereby I'll have to have nannies looking after them. Which then makes me thing about if getting into uni debt is worth it if that's what I want. Plus, I'm hoping my blog kicks off so I can have things like conventions for muslim sisters and whatnot. I wouldn't just want to sit at home doing nothing, I would want a business to run but I don't think I'm looking for some glamorous career. This mindset I have makes me feel very naive at times because what if I don't get married? What if I never have kids? What if I regret not going to uni because I was too focused on uncertainties? Like, I don't want to live a life of regrets. Imagine, I'm tearing up just writing this because that's how much these things worry me. So I'm just going to move on, I don't wanna start bawling. I just really hope God guides me in the right path and I don't make silly mistakes. 

Moving on. I've been thinking about letters that I want to write. Letters to my kids, husband and a few to myself. I think I'm going to write a number of letters because I think my thoughts/perspectives on thinks could change and I'd want that documented if I'm honest. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to address these letters lol because these people are all just possibilities and not guaranteed aha. I think I'm going to type the letters as well because then I can carry them around (through life) without worrying about losing them. Unless of course my emails or laptop decide to clear my files! I'm so excited to write these letters. I was going to write one today but I don't want to end up crying loads so I'm going to do a couple tomorrow. With the letters to my kids, I think it's just going to be me telling them how much I love them and can't wait to meet them and things I want to experience with them and teach them. Plus, when I do give birth to them I'm going to write them a letter every birthday and probably give it to them when they're 18 or something. I don't think I can even express how often I think about love and my kids. Pretty sure it occupies a massive space in my thoughts, it's all I think about! I can't wait to love my kids, hold them, treasure them! Even my husband, I can't wait to roll over in the morning, look into his face and thank Allah for blessing with such an amazing person! Right, I'm getting kind of moist now but you get the gist aha. Lately, I've become so soft it's kind of worrying. I'm hoping it's a phase and I'm not really a softie but I doubt it lol, I think the soft side of me is winning the war against my 'hard' side. 

Anyways, I've finished exams and I'm free forever! LOL, well not forever but you get the gist. I'm going to Nigeria in like three weeks and I actually cannot waaaaiiitttt! This summer is going to be amazing! I can't wait to see my parents especially, it's been like 9 months. I think I've changed so much since the last time I saw them but I hope they like this change lol. I think I've written enough now, don't want to bore whoever is reading!

'It's been said that seeing is believing. But the fact is, we all have our blind spots. Sometimes we recognize them ourselves. Sometimes others recognize them for us. Distance has a way of distorting the things we see. But what appears as an obstacle may in fact be an opportunity. The trick is having enough faith to carry through'

ox

Desultory

There's really no reason why I'm writing this bar the fact that I have a 5000 word essay to complete and I seriously cba so I've spent the last few minutes looking through my blogposts as I just realised that I've abandoned it for some time. Sucky. Well, that was a long sentence. I've had my blog for nearly four years! That makes me feel mad old lol. 

I have soooo much work to do it's stressing me out. Plus I have two assignments due for Leeds uni which are mad hard "/ The first one entails me writing about a good learning experience and a bad learning experience with references to learning theories. It seems interesting but just a bit stressful as I have exams coming up! Anyways, I can't wait to get to uni - provided I get the grades. Leeds looks like such a nice place :D:D:D

Urm, yeah, I don't have much to say but guaranteed after my exams, I'm going to try to write a lot more on here! I like writing in my blog as it is, personally, a form of cathartic release when things get a bit despondent lol. Enough of rambling. Thanks for reading. If you enjoy my posts, which are sometimes rather arbitrary, feel free to follow or comment or share it! 

"We never cease wanting what we want, whether it’s good for us or not."

ox

Poetry of Nasri: Ambitious Kisses

Poetry of Nasri: Ambitious Kisses: She can redefine your life, your whole perception changes Moving up the ladders, your whole lifestyle rearranges The ghetto whispers whe...

BANDAAARRRRR

VNDKFHDIAIUSGFYDUSDNCISDSBC GUISE MY EXAMS ARE OVER! SOOOO MANY MIXED FEELINGS LOOL! Happiness, sadness, restlessness, ambivalence! Oh, it's all a mess loool. Slyly, I'm super shook for the results but still happy that it's all out of the way but now my exams are over, I have NO idea what to do with myself! I've used so many exclamation marks already lool, I'm writing this with a massive grin on my face and I actually do not know why ahahahah - I'm just sooo happy, alhamdulillah!

Anyhoooo, onto pressing matters – The other day I was editing my bio, there was this random question generator and it was "Which is more important to you and why: flexibility or expandability?” I didn’t know how in the world I was supposed to tackle such a question loool so I made notes on perspective on which the question could be attacked... I came up with: physically or mentally. The former sounded somewhat sickening so I went for the latter in terms of attributes that are more desirable.

Okay, admittedly both are characteristic that are very useful but then again their usefulness is rather reliant on how we ourselves classify them and also dependent on if we’re talking spiritually or not – if that makes sense?

There is more than one meaning to flexibility which could be being able to bend without collapsing or it could mean for one to be easily swayed. In regards to the former, it is unquestionable that being flexible is great – and when one looks at it from the perspective of our mind, body and soul, we should be able to be open or be able bend (open to ideas, experiences and ideologies). In spite of this, we should also be wary of being too flexible as we may become ruined and rendered useless lol. One doesn’t want to be so open that you get to a stage whereby you lose yourself and values which were once intrinsic aha.

Flexibility entails freedom, choice and breathing room which makes it seem like the much better trait to possess; after all many of people advocate liberty, lool! Besides, with flexibility there is room for one to grown from mistakes made as well as there being lots of options and the knack to reassess things happening. It isn’t particularly limited and gives one the power to focus on ones self and priorities – does that make sense? We all have the flexibility to move without much restraint in creating the life you want and allows one to build on it from wherever you choose – things aren’t stagnant, change is always occurring, gotta move with the times lol.

In regards to flexibility being described as being swayed without difficulty, this view leads one to believe that it is perhaps not a valuable trait. But this could also be a misconception. This is somewhat similar to being able to bend but in this instance there’s more focus on the effect the outside has on your flexibility. In principle, one should be open to change but then again it is a bit of a problem when change happens too quickly – does anyone else worry about that? I do lol. Viable change ought to occur when much consideration has been taken and when one has vivid awareness of the impact of the change and its result. If a change is done super swift then you could actually go as far as saying that the change was done with minimal clarity. Consequently, there is potential of a myriad of problems which I can’t even lie can be suuuuper LONG – ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat. Mate, I’m not however saying that things that can happen against plans or that the recompense we get for accepting a change is different than what we expect but by planning, such outcomes are unlikely – I’d like to think anyway, not like I’ve been through enough to make such a conclusive assertion.

Expandability is a bit different even though it does seem rather analogous. Expandability = spread out, unfold or enlarge. In terms of being meaningful, I think expandability may take the lead a bit because when something/someone is expanding they aren’t just changing the person that are they are but they are also maintaining their originality. Through expanding, you are gaining. Whereas, with flexibility the object is changes thus forming it to what the person/thing controlling desires – one might have freedom but there isn’t as much room to grow as you would have otherwise.

What’s more is that being able to expand and unfold is to some extent very vital because isn’t that one of the many goals of our journey through life? For use to be able to expand our experiences and knowledge whilst our physical form grown and unfolds into adulthood? On the contrary, it isn’t always as easy as stated lool – things are always easier to say than do. I find it hard to open up to people emotionally as well as supporting others emotionally, to a point whereby I can no longer protect myself. It’s very long. Besides, isn’t the main purpose of having things folded is so that not everything is in the open? When one unfolds, everything becomes open to the elements, the idea of there being little privacy is disconcerting ahahaha – slight exaggeration there but I hope you get my drift. I try to be open to provide emotional support to everyone but at the same time I appreciate it being reciprocated so I don’t relish in the idea of getting so caught up in helping everyone else that I have to neglect myself. It sounds a bit selfish but ultimately keeping oneself content is the primary goal tbh. If I can’t keep myself comforted and grounded, how am I supposed to be able to expand out everyone else? There’d be no energy for me to hold myself up if I’m constantly focusing on everyone else – no? Once again, if I can’t hold myself up, how can I offer help to hold someone else up, it would all seem like a big joke.

Ultimately, both are in different ways as beneficial as the other to have but as stated earlier it is massively dependent on what we regard them to mean and how being either/or has an effect on us.

LEUL, I've just basically gone on for ages *siiiigggghh* Anyway, I seriously hope that the stuff I've said made else this would have sucked. It would be nice to know what some of you reading this think about the question. Feel free to leave your answer in the comment box, I'd love to read them! Thank you guys again for reading aha, it's always interesting to see how many people actually read this. Finally on 5000 views, wooooooooooo! 

"Through life we suffer, through friends we never have to suffer alone"

                                                                      ox

Flexibility or Expandability

Okay, so in Profile bit there was a random (but very thought-provoking) question...Which is more important to you and why: flexibility or expandability? 

I'm going to do a post answering it, after Wednesday when I have no exam. I asked it on Twitter, got very scattered replies (i.e. one) lool and I tweeted my thoughts on it. It's such a good question lol. I'll write more on it, probably on Thursday!

Terse

Heeeey! 

Urm, I'm revising UK politics atm...seriously CBA. Like, seriously. It's probably the most strenuous yet minimal revision I'm ever doing. I don't want to get a crap grade, otherwise I would have given up long ago.

Was looking at my blog earlier and the posts without titles look so craps :( I'm gonna go through them and give them a title so it looks better. I'm also going to create a new blog for stuff like creative writing. A while back, I found myself writing mini stories and coming up with ideas for some but they never actually materialised unfortunately so yeah, I'm gonna make use of this! 

Ahhh, it's MLK day today so to commemorate that I'll use one of his quotes lawl. RIP.

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
-MLK Jr."

ox

Recompense

Aesh. I haven't written here in a LONG time. Like forever, I've been so caught up in life! Lorl, I say that like my life is very interesting. Just the basic stuff tbh, sixthform, personal life, family etc. My summer has been an alright one. I think I posted after results day  - let me check. Yeah, I did.
Crazy how quick time flies, like the amount of things that have happened don't feel like it's been such a long time - if that makes sense? And also, it's the end of 2012! Literally, 2012 has gone so quick yet it's had a jolting effect on my life. I think my views have matured significantly to be honest but then again, it's called personal growth for a reason I guess. Everytime I'm about to write here I think I have a lot to say then it comes down to it and I have nothing to say, damn.
Currently, I'm sat in the library feeling victorious after completing my comparative essay. However, I 'm a bit apprehensive about the feedback I'm going to get lol. I still have my critical to complete which shall be done tonight when I get home. I've also done a bit of revision for History. I have two resits in January, which I really cannot be bothered to do. I got B's in them so it seems a bit pointless but then again I don't want to not revise for it because that will be massively counterproductive and knowing some of the teachers I have, they'd probably make me pay for the exam if I flop lorl.
Ohhh yeah! I've applied to uni, wooo ¬_¬
Ayeee, I stopped writing and I'm only now writing to finish it up. Mate, I've only realised just how MUCH revision I have to go through and I'm sooooo scared, like really. I'm gonna start revision at 11 so I've got about 20 mins to write now. (doubt I'm writing that much tbh)
Oh yeeeeah, applied for uni! ^_^ Applied for three different courses though, mad. Accounting and Management at Kent and Westminster, Accounting and Finance at Plymough and Leeds then Business Management at Queen Mary Uni. I don't know whether I want Kent or Queen Mary the most, I'm a bit nervous and apprehensive. Accounting and Management is the more "academic" degree and specialist but as I'm looking to do a top up degree with Law so I can go into Company Law/Soliciting, it wouldn't really matter what I'm doing - Queen Mary is better uni but BM isn't really all that. However, the main modules I'm looking to do which is Corporate Governance and Business Law is in both courses, I don't think I'm too fussy. AAAANNNDDD Queen Mary is in London which would be super live to live in - would make a great change from Northampton. So far I've only got two offers which kinda sux :( but I'm still appreciative of them though! I've got them from Plymouth and Westminster. 
Aye, I can't wait for my gap year, I'm exxccccciiittteeeddd. I'm going to spend a bit of time in Nigeria, might do some charity work, then do some travelling then work for a bit. Going to spend a lot of the summer til November working so I can save up - I reaaaaally want to go to Seychelles, Gambia, South Africa and Egypt whilst I'm in Nigeria, hopefully I save up enough to fund it! I should be back around June so I can sort out my student finance and accommodation, etc for uni. A bit troubled about the fact that, due to my gap year I'm going to be like a year behind my friends but then again I'm quite young for my year (July born) so I'm going I'll be 19 which will be the same age as 1st years :) 
Presently I'm trying to get my head round the fact that the time I anticipated for revision is a lot longer than what I actually have *sigh* So I have to go to the library LOOOAADDSS, tomorrow I'm going to the uni library so as to get a lot more done. Kinda pointless resitting these exams but I've stated why already. 


Anyhooooo, I hope you lot reading this had a great holiday period and thanks for reading this. Sometimes I question myself for the reasoning behind creating this blog because it seems kinda pointless but then I look at the views and it kinda gets me all chuffed lol - people actually read it ^_^. So far I've got 4433 views, great stuff! My blog is a form of catharsis and people say it's relatable, also it's sort of memory keeping as well. Especially the little things, it will be things I'll read later on in life and be like "Ohhhh, I remember that!" lol. 

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something. So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever."

xo

 

I'm bored and it's 2 am. It's raaaambling time! Try to read that in a cool voice, it will sound so much better. Yeah? Yeah. Let me start with the serious stuffz. Too often I find myself focusing on a lot of negativity as opposed to actually realising the things I have and not take them for granted. It's wrong and I need to keep reminding myself that I have it so much better than others. At the same time, it's hard to think that when you find negativity can sometime overpower positivity. Eurgh. I hate when I'm down about something and someone says 'think of all the poor people in the world, that could be worse' yeeeeaaaaaah I know that but telling me that will NOT instantly make me better u'know. (-_-)

I don't even know what to talk about, I feel like just waffling but then I can't reallly be bothered. OHHH I just remembered, I got my grades. I'm into A2 and I did alright, lololol. I got BBCU. But the U exam paper is getting remarked hopefully. I've tried looking into courses that I want to do at uni but it's just sosososo hard picking what I want to do. I want to do something I know that I'll definitely enjoy and do great in but I want it to be something academic so I know that I'll get a good job out of it. It's all confusing. I'm looking forward to my gap year though. 

What did I do today? Not a lot tbh. I watched Inception for the first time and woooooow it's amazing! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT IT BEFORE????????????????????????????????????????????? *rage* lol. I've even tried doing more research on it to understand it further. I'm going to watch it again tomorrow. I also watched PhoneBooth today, loved it all over again aha. There is this basketball film on iPlayer, watch it, it's called Freestyle. I don't know whether to be impressed that there is a British based basketball film or be disappointed that you can't compare to great bball films like White Men Can't Jump. The film is somewhat cringey tbh and there are bits of it that leave a lot to be desired. I can't lie though, the music played is pretty good, some grimey stuff. 

You know what I love? When you come across someone new and they just understand you. Do you know how great that feels? It gives me hope in this damned world we live in. I'm being serious. Being able to talk to someone for hours yet it doesn't feel like such a long time? Just great. I need more people like this in my life. Just suddenly realised that I have less than two weeks left of my summer, that makes me miseraaaable. I have sooo much school work to do as well! Personal statement, extended project, english lit cw, history essay, politics essay, ahh it's all long. I just cannot be bothered. I wanted to go to London this week as well.

"There are moments of such pure, sublime, unparalleled perfection that they will force you to close your eyes and hold on to them as best you can. Life is a series of these moments. Everything else is just waiting for them"

So...it is 3.08am. I'm bored and just scrolling through Twitter. Nowadays I find that a lot of the topics discussed on there seem to just lead to people spouting ridiculous ignorance. Either that or they're just being dumb or disrespectful. Damn, the disrespect I witness on Twitter....disgusting. For instance, I find that people get a real kick out of insulting black girls. I understand that we all have freedom of speech but sometimes...too far. Okay, your preference doesn't favour black girls, does that mean you have to spend so much time sending slander their way? I just don't get it. Everyone has what they like and what they don't like. Does this authorise them to insult the things they don't like? If you don't like something, leave it, there is no need to bang on about it - doing nothing but sending out stupid generalisations that do nothing but force me to believe that you're beefing your brain. Or am I wrong? I don't particularly find Asian guys attractive but that doesn't mean I spend all my nights on Twitter insulting them and making stupid generalisions. There is simply no point. Fair enough, a joke or two is acceptable but people just do not know when to stop. Then there will be someone who has 'caught feelings' then it turns to, to coin the phrase, 'corn'. It's all long to be perfectly honest. Tonight's very original topic on Twitter is size. So original. People are going on about how if you're bigger than a 12, it's unacceptable. First off, who has given these people the right to state what is and what isn't acceptable? Has some form of divine power been bestowed upon you for you to decide what people should be? Fair enough, you are one of those that are obsessive about your weight. Keep it to yourself, there is no need to insult others. The most ironic thing of all is that a lot of these individuals will talk about clothes sizes and whatnot but completely ignore the fact that their faces leave a lot to desire. You can have a nice body, but trust me, if your face is, as they say, 'leave it' you're really in NO position to comment. Like, how dare anyone say that someone doesn't deserve their life because they are a size 16? What the hell is wrong with people?  These are the same ones that on Sunday will start shouting Hallelujah, completely ignoring how a few days previously they were condemning God's creations.I'm a size 14/16 and I'm 5"9, does this mean that I deserve to die? Whilst comfortably ignoring the fact that there are much more worse things for one to worry about in life. Call me fat, blah blah blah. Surely your being fat should be defined by how many rolls and ripples your body has, not your clothes size. There are guys who, because of gym wear a L t-shirt, does this mean they are fat? No. I play basketball, thus I'm actually healthy and to be honest that is all that matters. Does someone else being a size that you aren't particularly in favour of affect you and your life directly? I just don't understand.

I don't know, maybe it's just me but some people just refuse to use the brain that God gave them for FREE. Do you understand how disrespectful that is? You get something for free and you're refusing to use it. See if you dont get your recompense on the day of reckoning.

Anyway enough of that. Results are out in a few hours, I'm starting to feel excited for them. Weird? I know. Also, pay day has come so yeah, I'm hapz. Just can't wait to open that envelope and see what grades I've been given. I just hope there isn't one UGLY grade on there. Tears may drop. I can't even front, if it's terrible I will cry. But I'm looking forward to Roch's get together after. That's gon' be nice, haven't seen anyone from school since we broke up. To be honest, I don't even do much with myself. All I find nowadays is that I either just want to play bball or draw, that's pretty much it. Like now, after doing this post, I'm going to carry on the drawing I started earlier. It's a lady in her hijab, she looks pretty, it's nice. I should actually put some pics of my work so it doesn't sound like I'm talking rubbish...soon come. Yeah, rambling now. That's enough. Thanks for actually reading, means a lot :-) Leave a comment if you wish.

Corn: To 'catch corn' is to basically become the joke of the timeline. Everyone is laughing at you, in a mocking manner. So, yeah, you've become a joke for the entertainment of Twitter.

The universe is massive, the earth in comparison to it is tiny. Whatever one does is not going to be of any significance to the universe, right? So one might as well do whatever the heart desires, right? But then when one considers that the fact the one can gain insight, wisdom and think deeply about issues, humans are able to do the most good toward others and make a personal mark on the world. It's hard to realise one's importance in a world so big. Find a cause and purpose - my musing

Okay, I don't know where to start or where this is going. I am literally just going to try to put my thoughts down - I need to. My mind is a very confused place at the moment. I don't even know if it's just now or maybe it's been like this for a long time and it's just got to a point whereby it must be acknowledged. It's all confusing what goes on up there. Like, recently I find myself just feeling forever uneasy. Uneasy in the sense that there is, what feels like, a background nervous feeling that sits with me constantly. Maybe it's feeling stronger now that my results are out in less than two days. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe, that is just it, I do not know. 

The problem with not knowing is that I can't decide if I want to make conscious effort to know. What's funny is that I'm aware that I myself am not fully aware of my own capabilities. Does that make sense to you? I understand that I have potential for a lot of things but just how much potential. I just want to know what my 'niche' is and stick with it. Hmm. I'm confusing myself now. Basically, my issue with this whole not being aware of one's potential is scary. Scary in the sense that, what if I decide to try and find out just what my purpose is or how much potential I have and it doesn't go to plan. Of course there is no set plan but there is how I would like things to go. Ideally, I would like to find that my capabilities are craaaaazy but then what if it turns out that's not the case? That I'm more or less destined to live a subpar mediocre life? The way I look at it is like the Schrodinger's cat experiment - I am going to assume you are aware of what it is. Schrodinger's cat experiment in the sense that I'm scared of what I could reveal.

Just thought about results again, even more heart palpitations. My problem is that I KNOW that my grades have been decided and right now there is physically nothing I can do to change it yet I keep stressing about it. I fear disappointment, greatly. To a point whereby the thought of it has me nearly breaking a sweat, palms itching etc. Especially disappointing my parents. Which makes me even think of my future. I'm unsure of what to do now regarding careers and whatnot. Nowadays, I find that all I want to do is either draw or play basketball. But neither of those come under what my parents would like me to go into. Even me personally don't think I could go into that area, it's a bit risky. With basketball I could hurt myself - that's it. With art, I simply may just not be good enough. I'm my biggest critic and to be honest I cannot take my peers compliments of work as fact. Why? Because how often are they around sublime work? I could do what is a normal average sketch but due to the fact that they aren't usually exposed to great work they'll over rate my work. Thus, causing me to be likely to think I'm better than I am. The thing with drawing that gets me is that it just relaxes me, like I feel at ease with the world when I do it. Then I begin to question whether it should remain a hobby and not a career path. I now feel like I'm babbling on. 

I get to these stages and I lose interest in sharing my thoughts further. Not only do I feel like I've been on too long but I just generally lost interest in sharing because I've one again ended lost in thought. You know what's funny? I think a lot but I can't pin point what it is that is stressing me out. That's comedic. Like, I begin to feel like I'm just being an attention seeking idiot. Which frustrates me because that's not the case at all, I'm just not good at translating thoughts into coherent words. After that I'm still not sure. Sometimes I wish there was someone there to babble to as I'm thinking because then a lot of my thoughts won't pile up. If that makes sense. Of course, that doesn't mean someone must be there 24/7 to listen to my rubbish, it would be comforting just knowing someone is there. I need to find myself. Not in the way that most people think either. I think that's where the root of my problems are planted.

 Do you feel how you feel because you have been told about how these feelings are supposed to feel so you subconsciously force yourself to feel this way? - my musing

 

I don't how to start this or even what to write. I just felt like I haven't written in some time so I should now. It's the summer holidays, woohoo. Although it's been fun so far, as I have played ball nearly everyday, I can't really say I've done anything productive. And I have a lot to be doing :-( I've got my extended project, english lit cw, politics work, economics work to get done, and we're already in the second week. Next week though, I'll get work done. However, I'm a bit sceptic about how much work I'm actually going to get done because I'm going to be in London next week, lol. But don't worry, will power 'innit'. 

The Olympics have started and it's been interesting to say the least. The main sport I've been watching to be honest is the basketball, and THAT been awesome. It's actually one of the best things ever to wake up and have a bunch of basketball games to watch everyday. Which brings me to this...Nigeria played against USA yesterday :O:O:O lololol. It sucks though that everyone underestimated Nigeria, because they were actually decent, they managed to put up SEVENTY THREE points againts the USA dream which is said to be similar to the dream team. Does no-one else understand how impressive that is? Rightfully though, USA did drop the 3's so gravefully and calm, like they were at a training session. The only thing that made me angry was the disrespect shown by Lebron especially, which shocked me because with a clapped hairline like his, does he reeeeally have the right to laugh at anyone? He keeps moving his head band back like say we won't notice that his hairline is already saying it's last words. Rage. Anyways, Nigeria did me proud ^_^ Oh and can I just say... Nigeria beat GB. I just even remembered, it was soooo annoying on Twitter last night when all these other clapped African countries started trying to mock Nigeria for being matched up with USA. One thing I learnt yesterday though, Nigerians are CHAMPIONS at insulting, the punchlines were just coming in left right and centre. I've got a couple of examples, loool:

"IF GHANAIANS DID OLYMPIC SWIMMING IT WILL LOOK LIKE AN OIL LEAK, KMT PRICKS"

"HOW CAN I SEE TWEETS SAYING GREAT DAY TO BE GHANIAN? YOUR FOREFATHERS LOOK LIKE CHARCOAL N UR TEAM HASNT EVEN QUALIFIED. PLEASE FUCK OFF"

"Nigeria got touched and you are doing ha ha abi? These times daddy has gone shop for 17 years abeg prioritise"

"Stupid short twats. As if to say they don't play basketball in Ghana with a tennis ball and 2 cups attached to 2 pencils"

"Ghanaians can't make jokes. Their entire olympic squad fitted into one cab from heathrow to the hotel pls pls" 

It was a night of 'LOOOOOL's but as usual with things like this, some people started to take it OTT, cba. Nigerian's are just too proud, lawl. 

Enough of that. Today is the 15th fast, big up, halfway through already. I've got work today, I reeeally cba but I've got to work the next three days if I'm having next week off :( This post was actually one of the funniest to write, mainly 'cause of those quotes. If you're reading and you managed to get here, hope you've enjoyed it! ^_^

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I did say it, his CLAPPED hairline. I can't even call it a hairline, surely. It's closer to his nape than it is to his eyebrows. (team exaggeration)

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Only Nigerian's will get the text, but the picture is pretty self explanatory. I'm in stitches!

Title.

I don't have much doing right now. It is 22:15 and I have just managed to complete my English hw. I feel like such a kid when I have to say I have homework to do - thanks sixthform.

In other news, last week of this academic year and I am actually ecstatic at the fact that I do not have to deal with sixthform for the next six weeks. Apart from when I'm tearing my hair out the week before results day, lawl. There are a number of things I'm looking forward to be honest:

1. I can finally have time to get my driving licence, that shall be done as soon as I get some money. I intend on doing an intensive in order to get my licence ASAP. Plus, I've got a sick deal I need to capitalise on, lawl, 20 hours for £360 - bargain! Oh and for the simplest reason, I will have my own hwhip. Yes, hwhip.
2. The fact that I don't have to deal with people I have no care for. This may seem rude but it's the truth. Not particularly keen on the fact that I have to deal with them but hey, I guess that's life. In the future I'm going to have to deal with people that I don't like but can't do anything about it, better start getting used to it. Well, I'll start getting used to it after my six week break from them. To say I dislike people in school would be an exaggeration tbh, I don't care enough to dislike them - they're just them. I always say it, but it's true, the indifference I feel towards a lot of people is real. Ha.
3. I'm going to try out for the East Midlands basketball team, which starts this Saturday. Hopefully I get in. It would actually be THE best thing, like ever, if I get in. I would be somewhat surprised though, I can't lie, as I have been out of basketball for some time and I'm only just getting back into it.The issue though, is that it's in LEICESTER :| Getting there and back for five weeks in a row will be a mission and a hald, I swear. But still, it's EAST MIDLANDS! Wish me luck!

I don't think I have much more I'm looking forward to tbh u'know. There's the obvious which is the fact that Ramadan starts soon, it's gonna be so much easier because there's no school so I can just chill all day err'day, lawl. (And pray of course). Haha. Oh and Eid, I can't forget Eid!

Mum and Dad are around now, haven't seen them since last year I think (December). It feels weird having them around but in a good way because I've missed them loads, getting a bit moist, lol. It's surprising when you get something you've subconsciously been needing/wanting, as it's a great feeling when a hole you never realised was there becomes whole again. BIG UP  MOISTURISER GANG.

I think that's it. OOOHH WAIT. Going to mention the Junior Ambassador thing we've been running with school. It's basically a pageant for year eights and it's actually pretty sick. Anyways, it's tomorrow and if you're reading this and you live in Northampton, you should come. It's at 6, tickets are £3 (with a drink) and yeah, it's gon' be a siiiiccckkk night. I'm in a surprisingly good mood. Oh, I've just thought about the dress I bought earlier, I'm actually excited to wear it. Don't know what I'm going to wear it with though, it's black and maxi - tough, hmm. But all the same, it's nice! I got it from New Look's sale, it was a baaaaargain and a half!

"The further you go, the more you have to be proud of. At the same time, in order to come a long way, you have to be behind to begin with. In the end, though, maybe it's not how you reach a place that matters. Just that you get there at all."

xo

Recrudescence

Right, I am aware that I haven't written on here since new years, which is a looong time. Looking back over the last seven months, a lot has changed yet things still remain the same. Hard to explain but I know what I mean, ish. I can't lie and put the good ol' rubbish of 'yeah I've been doing some soul searching and I finally know who I am blahblahblah' because that would be a be a big fat lie. However, I have realised a few things. 

1.  I feel as though I am losing my mind. Losing my mind in the sense that I feel like, to some extents, I suffer from depersonalisation. I can't explain what I actually feel to deep lengths as I end up coming across as though I have some deep underlying psychological imbalance. It's not full blown depersonalisation that some people experience but it's moreso the fact that I go through stages whereby I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. I can't explain it. It's like my mind leaves me, and my soul is observing my life objectively. Leaving me feeling dettached from the world. If you spend a lot of time around me you'll understand what I'm talking about as you've probably experienced me going through it. It's not even a long term thing, it's just a bout of weirdness that leaves me feeling drained. Sometimes, it's only for short periods of times, others it's as long as a few days where afterwards I'm left feeling weird. I can't describe it. 
2. I'm losing passion for life in general. Once again, psychotic. When it comes to words, I'm not very good, thus I come across as very weird, only sometimes though. I don't know if the right term is losing passion for life but whatever it is, it sucks. I don't seem to want to do anything a lot of the time, which is an issue because as we all know 'idle hands are the devil's workshop'. To try to combat this, I have been trying to find things I enjoy; for instance, I've taken up drawing again. I did Art at GCSE and got an A, for which I am happy about, so yeah I decided to start doing it again. I drew three pictures I think, yeah three...Goku, Riley and a Lotus flower. Although I managed to get all those three done in about a week or so, I haven't touched my sketchpad since Tupac's birthday when I started drawing Tupac. That has been, what, nearly three weeks now? I'm currently in the mood to take it up again, so after this I'm going to complete the sketch quickly. That seems to be the story of my life, I lose faith and passion in things too quickly - this needs to stop, else I'm going nowhere. I think maybe it is because I don't have faith in much. I don't know. Sometimes, I find it very hard to express myself appropriately.
3. I said I'm losing passion for stuff but recently I've been getting back into basketball, which I love. I don't even know why I stopped playing. Tell a lie, it was when I went to Nigeria last summer that I kinda stopped. Played like twice over there and when I came back, there wasn't a team for U18s. So yeah, but now there's a new women's session, this is the fourth week of it. I've been thrice, it's good :D Getting into the swing of it. Surprisingly, I didn't wake up with aches and whatnot after yesterday's session, lawl. I need to work on my fitness though, it's poooooooor. 

This year is done, thank God. Summer starts in two weeks or so, but I can't lie I'm not looking forward to results day. I keep thinking back to my exams and what I've written, which leaves me feeling nervous. Also, the fact that all my exams are essay based means that you can't mess up a 'bit', I've probably flopped (-_-). 

Random: Do you ever randomly get nervous? For pretty much no reason, you just suddenly get nervous? "I think about what I do on most cases when I feel nervous like this, I cannot deduce a pattern. I just understand that I feel nervous whenever. It's starting to become bothersome because it keeps me from concentrating from what I need to do"

One of the worst things ever is when someone presents to you this image of who they supposedly are. This purported 'image' makes them seem much better than they are. Then you find out what they're truly like and you're left feeling like a mug. Feeling like a mug because you realise that you have placed them on a much higher pedestal than they deserved. Leaves you feeling somewhat irritated. Anyway, enough rambling. I've got a sketch to get on with, then I have some work to complete as I'm behind on quite a bit :-| 

"You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away; make you something different in an instant"

xo