I'm bored and it's 2 am. It's raaaambling time! Try to read that in a cool voice, it will sound so much better. Yeah? Yeah. Let me start with the serious stuffz. Too often I find myself focusing on a lot of negativity as opposed to actually realising the things I have and not take them for granted. It's wrong and I need to keep reminding myself that I have it so much better than others. At the same time, it's hard to think that when you find negativity can sometime overpower positivity. Eurgh. I hate when I'm down about something and someone says 'think of all the poor people in the world, that could be worse' yeeeeaaaaaah I know that but telling me that will NOT instantly make me better u'know. (-_-)

I don't even know what to talk about, I feel like just waffling but then I can't reallly be bothered. OHHH I just remembered, I got my grades. I'm into A2 and I did alright, lololol. I got BBCU. But the U exam paper is getting remarked hopefully. I've tried looking into courses that I want to do at uni but it's just sosososo hard picking what I want to do. I want to do something I know that I'll definitely enjoy and do great in but I want it to be something academic so I know that I'll get a good job out of it. It's all confusing. I'm looking forward to my gap year though. 

What did I do today? Not a lot tbh. I watched Inception for the first time and woooooow it's amazing! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT IT BEFORE????????????????????????????????????????????? *rage* lol. I've even tried doing more research on it to understand it further. I'm going to watch it again tomorrow. I also watched PhoneBooth today, loved it all over again aha. There is this basketball film on iPlayer, watch it, it's called Freestyle. I don't know whether to be impressed that there is a British based basketball film or be disappointed that you can't compare to great bball films like White Men Can't Jump. The film is somewhat cringey tbh and there are bits of it that leave a lot to be desired. I can't lie though, the music played is pretty good, some grimey stuff. 

You know what I love? When you come across someone new and they just understand you. Do you know how great that feels? It gives me hope in this damned world we live in. I'm being serious. Being able to talk to someone for hours yet it doesn't feel like such a long time? Just great. I need more people like this in my life. Just suddenly realised that I have less than two weeks left of my summer, that makes me miseraaaable. I have sooo much school work to do as well! Personal statement, extended project, english lit cw, history essay, politics essay, ahh it's all long. I just cannot be bothered. I wanted to go to London this week as well.

"There are moments of such pure, sublime, unparalleled perfection that they will force you to close your eyes and hold on to them as best you can. Life is a series of these moments. Everything else is just waiting for them"

So...it is 3.08am. I'm bored and just scrolling through Twitter. Nowadays I find that a lot of the topics discussed on there seem to just lead to people spouting ridiculous ignorance. Either that or they're just being dumb or disrespectful. Damn, the disrespect I witness on Twitter....disgusting. For instance, I find that people get a real kick out of insulting black girls. I understand that we all have freedom of speech but sometimes...too far. Okay, your preference doesn't favour black girls, does that mean you have to spend so much time sending slander their way? I just don't get it. Everyone has what they like and what they don't like. Does this authorise them to insult the things they don't like? If you don't like something, leave it, there is no need to bang on about it - doing nothing but sending out stupid generalisations that do nothing but force me to believe that you're beefing your brain. Or am I wrong? I don't particularly find Asian guys attractive but that doesn't mean I spend all my nights on Twitter insulting them and making stupid generalisions. There is simply no point. Fair enough, a joke or two is acceptable but people just do not know when to stop. Then there will be someone who has 'caught feelings' then it turns to, to coin the phrase, 'corn'. It's all long to be perfectly honest. Tonight's very original topic on Twitter is size. So original. People are going on about how if you're bigger than a 12, it's unacceptable. First off, who has given these people the right to state what is and what isn't acceptable? Has some form of divine power been bestowed upon you for you to decide what people should be? Fair enough, you are one of those that are obsessive about your weight. Keep it to yourself, there is no need to insult others. The most ironic thing of all is that a lot of these individuals will talk about clothes sizes and whatnot but completely ignore the fact that their faces leave a lot to desire. You can have a nice body, but trust me, if your face is, as they say, 'leave it' you're really in NO position to comment. Like, how dare anyone say that someone doesn't deserve their life because they are a size 16? What the hell is wrong with people?  These are the same ones that on Sunday will start shouting Hallelujah, completely ignoring how a few days previously they were condemning God's creations.I'm a size 14/16 and I'm 5"9, does this mean that I deserve to die? Whilst comfortably ignoring the fact that there are much more worse things for one to worry about in life. Call me fat, blah blah blah. Surely your being fat should be defined by how many rolls and ripples your body has, not your clothes size. There are guys who, because of gym wear a L t-shirt, does this mean they are fat? No. I play basketball, thus I'm actually healthy and to be honest that is all that matters. Does someone else being a size that you aren't particularly in favour of affect you and your life directly? I just don't understand.

I don't know, maybe it's just me but some people just refuse to use the brain that God gave them for FREE. Do you understand how disrespectful that is? You get something for free and you're refusing to use it. See if you dont get your recompense on the day of reckoning.

Anyway enough of that. Results are out in a few hours, I'm starting to feel excited for them. Weird? I know. Also, pay day has come so yeah, I'm hapz. Just can't wait to open that envelope and see what grades I've been given. I just hope there isn't one UGLY grade on there. Tears may drop. I can't even front, if it's terrible I will cry. But I'm looking forward to Roch's get together after. That's gon' be nice, haven't seen anyone from school since we broke up. To be honest, I don't even do much with myself. All I find nowadays is that I either just want to play bball or draw, that's pretty much it. Like now, after doing this post, I'm going to carry on the drawing I started earlier. It's a lady in her hijab, she looks pretty, it's nice. I should actually put some pics of my work so it doesn't sound like I'm talking rubbish...soon come. Yeah, rambling now. That's enough. Thanks for actually reading, means a lot :-) Leave a comment if you wish.

Corn: To 'catch corn' is to basically become the joke of the timeline. Everyone is laughing at you, in a mocking manner. So, yeah, you've become a joke for the entertainment of Twitter.

The universe is massive, the earth in comparison to it is tiny. Whatever one does is not going to be of any significance to the universe, right? So one might as well do whatever the heart desires, right? But then when one considers that the fact the one can gain insight, wisdom and think deeply about issues, humans are able to do the most good toward others and make a personal mark on the world. It's hard to realise one's importance in a world so big. Find a cause and purpose - my musing

Okay, I don't know where to start or where this is going. I am literally just going to try to put my thoughts down - I need to. My mind is a very confused place at the moment. I don't even know if it's just now or maybe it's been like this for a long time and it's just got to a point whereby it must be acknowledged. It's all confusing what goes on up there. Like, recently I find myself just feeling forever uneasy. Uneasy in the sense that there is, what feels like, a background nervous feeling that sits with me constantly. Maybe it's feeling stronger now that my results are out in less than two days. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe, that is just it, I do not know. 

The problem with not knowing is that I can't decide if I want to make conscious effort to know. What's funny is that I'm aware that I myself am not fully aware of my own capabilities. Does that make sense to you? I understand that I have potential for a lot of things but just how much potential. I just want to know what my 'niche' is and stick with it. Hmm. I'm confusing myself now. Basically, my issue with this whole not being aware of one's potential is scary. Scary in the sense that, what if I decide to try and find out just what my purpose is or how much potential I have and it doesn't go to plan. Of course there is no set plan but there is how I would like things to go. Ideally, I would like to find that my capabilities are craaaaazy but then what if it turns out that's not the case? That I'm more or less destined to live a subpar mediocre life? The way I look at it is like the Schrodinger's cat experiment - I am going to assume you are aware of what it is. Schrodinger's cat experiment in the sense that I'm scared of what I could reveal.

Just thought about results again, even more heart palpitations. My problem is that I KNOW that my grades have been decided and right now there is physically nothing I can do to change it yet I keep stressing about it. I fear disappointment, greatly. To a point whereby the thought of it has me nearly breaking a sweat, palms itching etc. Especially disappointing my parents. Which makes me even think of my future. I'm unsure of what to do now regarding careers and whatnot. Nowadays, I find that all I want to do is either draw or play basketball. But neither of those come under what my parents would like me to go into. Even me personally don't think I could go into that area, it's a bit risky. With basketball I could hurt myself - that's it. With art, I simply may just not be good enough. I'm my biggest critic and to be honest I cannot take my peers compliments of work as fact. Why? Because how often are they around sublime work? I could do what is a normal average sketch but due to the fact that they aren't usually exposed to great work they'll over rate my work. Thus, causing me to be likely to think I'm better than I am. The thing with drawing that gets me is that it just relaxes me, like I feel at ease with the world when I do it. Then I begin to question whether it should remain a hobby and not a career path. I now feel like I'm babbling on. 

I get to these stages and I lose interest in sharing my thoughts further. Not only do I feel like I've been on too long but I just generally lost interest in sharing because I've one again ended lost in thought. You know what's funny? I think a lot but I can't pin point what it is that is stressing me out. That's comedic. Like, I begin to feel like I'm just being an attention seeking idiot. Which frustrates me because that's not the case at all, I'm just not good at translating thoughts into coherent words. After that I'm still not sure. Sometimes I wish there was someone there to babble to as I'm thinking because then a lot of my thoughts won't pile up. If that makes sense. Of course, that doesn't mean someone must be there 24/7 to listen to my rubbish, it would be comforting just knowing someone is there. I need to find myself. Not in the way that most people think either. I think that's where the root of my problems are planted.

 Do you feel how you feel because you have been told about how these feelings are supposed to feel so you subconsciously force yourself to feel this way? - my musing

 

I don't how to start this or even what to write. I just felt like I haven't written in some time so I should now. It's the summer holidays, woohoo. Although it's been fun so far, as I have played ball nearly everyday, I can't really say I've done anything productive. And I have a lot to be doing :-( I've got my extended project, english lit cw, politics work, economics work to get done, and we're already in the second week. Next week though, I'll get work done. However, I'm a bit sceptic about how much work I'm actually going to get done because I'm going to be in London next week, lol. But don't worry, will power 'innit'. 

The Olympics have started and it's been interesting to say the least. The main sport I've been watching to be honest is the basketball, and THAT been awesome. It's actually one of the best things ever to wake up and have a bunch of basketball games to watch everyday. Which brings me to this...Nigeria played against USA yesterday :O:O:O lololol. It sucks though that everyone underestimated Nigeria, because they were actually decent, they managed to put up SEVENTY THREE points againts the USA dream which is said to be similar to the dream team. Does no-one else understand how impressive that is? Rightfully though, USA did drop the 3's so gravefully and calm, like they were at a training session. The only thing that made me angry was the disrespect shown by Lebron especially, which shocked me because with a clapped hairline like his, does he reeeeally have the right to laugh at anyone? He keeps moving his head band back like say we won't notice that his hairline is already saying it's last words. Rage. Anyways, Nigeria did me proud ^_^ Oh and can I just say... Nigeria beat GB. I just even remembered, it was soooo annoying on Twitter last night when all these other clapped African countries started trying to mock Nigeria for being matched up with USA. One thing I learnt yesterday though, Nigerians are CHAMPIONS at insulting, the punchlines were just coming in left right and centre. I've got a couple of examples, loool:

"IF GHANAIANS DID OLYMPIC SWIMMING IT WILL LOOK LIKE AN OIL LEAK, KMT PRICKS"

"HOW CAN I SEE TWEETS SAYING GREAT DAY TO BE GHANIAN? YOUR FOREFATHERS LOOK LIKE CHARCOAL N UR TEAM HASNT EVEN QUALIFIED. PLEASE FUCK OFF"

"Nigeria got touched and you are doing ha ha abi? These times daddy has gone shop for 17 years abeg prioritise"

"Stupid short twats. As if to say they don't play basketball in Ghana with a tennis ball and 2 cups attached to 2 pencils"

"Ghanaians can't make jokes. Their entire olympic squad fitted into one cab from heathrow to the hotel pls pls" 

It was a night of 'LOOOOOL's but as usual with things like this, some people started to take it OTT, cba. Nigerian's are just too proud, lawl. 

Enough of that. Today is the 15th fast, big up, halfway through already. I've got work today, I reeeally cba but I've got to work the next three days if I'm having next week off :( This post was actually one of the funniest to write, mainly 'cause of those quotes. If you're reading and you managed to get here, hope you've enjoyed it! ^_^

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I did say it, his CLAPPED hairline. I can't even call it a hairline, surely. It's closer to his nape than it is to his eyebrows. (team exaggeration)

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Only Nigerian's will get the text, but the picture is pretty self explanatory. I'm in stitches!

Title.

I don't have much doing right now. It is 22:15 and I have just managed to complete my English hw. I feel like such a kid when I have to say I have homework to do - thanks sixthform.

In other news, last week of this academic year and I am actually ecstatic at the fact that I do not have to deal with sixthform for the next six weeks. Apart from when I'm tearing my hair out the week before results day, lawl. There are a number of things I'm looking forward to be honest:

1. I can finally have time to get my driving licence, that shall be done as soon as I get some money. I intend on doing an intensive in order to get my licence ASAP. Plus, I've got a sick deal I need to capitalise on, lawl, 20 hours for £360 - bargain! Oh and for the simplest reason, I will have my own hwhip. Yes, hwhip.
2. The fact that I don't have to deal with people I have no care for. This may seem rude but it's the truth. Not particularly keen on the fact that I have to deal with them but hey, I guess that's life. In the future I'm going to have to deal with people that I don't like but can't do anything about it, better start getting used to it. Well, I'll start getting used to it after my six week break from them. To say I dislike people in school would be an exaggeration tbh, I don't care enough to dislike them - they're just them. I always say it, but it's true, the indifference I feel towards a lot of people is real. Ha.
3. I'm going to try out for the East Midlands basketball team, which starts this Saturday. Hopefully I get in. It would actually be THE best thing, like ever, if I get in. I would be somewhat surprised though, I can't lie, as I have been out of basketball for some time and I'm only just getting back into it.The issue though, is that it's in LEICESTER :| Getting there and back for five weeks in a row will be a mission and a hald, I swear. But still, it's EAST MIDLANDS! Wish me luck!

I don't think I have much more I'm looking forward to tbh u'know. There's the obvious which is the fact that Ramadan starts soon, it's gonna be so much easier because there's no school so I can just chill all day err'day, lawl. (And pray of course). Haha. Oh and Eid, I can't forget Eid!

Mum and Dad are around now, haven't seen them since last year I think (December). It feels weird having them around but in a good way because I've missed them loads, getting a bit moist, lol. It's surprising when you get something you've subconsciously been needing/wanting, as it's a great feeling when a hole you never realised was there becomes whole again. BIG UP  MOISTURISER GANG.

I think that's it. OOOHH WAIT. Going to mention the Junior Ambassador thing we've been running with school. It's basically a pageant for year eights and it's actually pretty sick. Anyways, it's tomorrow and if you're reading this and you live in Northampton, you should come. It's at 6, tickets are £3 (with a drink) and yeah, it's gon' be a siiiiccckkk night. I'm in a surprisingly good mood. Oh, I've just thought about the dress I bought earlier, I'm actually excited to wear it. Don't know what I'm going to wear it with though, it's black and maxi - tough, hmm. But all the same, it's nice! I got it from New Look's sale, it was a baaaaargain and a half!

"The further you go, the more you have to be proud of. At the same time, in order to come a long way, you have to be behind to begin with. In the end, though, maybe it's not how you reach a place that matters. Just that you get there at all."

xo

Recrudescence

Right, I am aware that I haven't written on here since new years, which is a looong time. Looking back over the last seven months, a lot has changed yet things still remain the same. Hard to explain but I know what I mean, ish. I can't lie and put the good ol' rubbish of 'yeah I've been doing some soul searching and I finally know who I am blahblahblah' because that would be a be a big fat lie. However, I have realised a few things. 

1.  I feel as though I am losing my mind. Losing my mind in the sense that I feel like, to some extents, I suffer from depersonalisation. I can't explain what I actually feel to deep lengths as I end up coming across as though I have some deep underlying psychological imbalance. It's not full blown depersonalisation that some people experience but it's moreso the fact that I go through stages whereby I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. I can't explain it. It's like my mind leaves me, and my soul is observing my life objectively. Leaving me feeling dettached from the world. If you spend a lot of time around me you'll understand what I'm talking about as you've probably experienced me going through it. It's not even a long term thing, it's just a bout of weirdness that leaves me feeling drained. Sometimes, it's only for short periods of times, others it's as long as a few days where afterwards I'm left feeling weird. I can't describe it. 
2. I'm losing passion for life in general. Once again, psychotic. When it comes to words, I'm not very good, thus I come across as very weird, only sometimes though. I don't know if the right term is losing passion for life but whatever it is, it sucks. I don't seem to want to do anything a lot of the time, which is an issue because as we all know 'idle hands are the devil's workshop'. To try to combat this, I have been trying to find things I enjoy; for instance, I've taken up drawing again. I did Art at GCSE and got an A, for which I am happy about, so yeah I decided to start doing it again. I drew three pictures I think, yeah three...Goku, Riley and a Lotus flower. Although I managed to get all those three done in about a week or so, I haven't touched my sketchpad since Tupac's birthday when I started drawing Tupac. That has been, what, nearly three weeks now? I'm currently in the mood to take it up again, so after this I'm going to complete the sketch quickly. That seems to be the story of my life, I lose faith and passion in things too quickly - this needs to stop, else I'm going nowhere. I think maybe it is because I don't have faith in much. I don't know. Sometimes, I find it very hard to express myself appropriately.
3. I said I'm losing passion for stuff but recently I've been getting back into basketball, which I love. I don't even know why I stopped playing. Tell a lie, it was when I went to Nigeria last summer that I kinda stopped. Played like twice over there and when I came back, there wasn't a team for U18s. So yeah, but now there's a new women's session, this is the fourth week of it. I've been thrice, it's good :D Getting into the swing of it. Surprisingly, I didn't wake up with aches and whatnot after yesterday's session, lawl. I need to work on my fitness though, it's poooooooor. 

This year is done, thank God. Summer starts in two weeks or so, but I can't lie I'm not looking forward to results day. I keep thinking back to my exams and what I've written, which leaves me feeling nervous. Also, the fact that all my exams are essay based means that you can't mess up a 'bit', I've probably flopped (-_-). 

Random: Do you ever randomly get nervous? For pretty much no reason, you just suddenly get nervous? "I think about what I do on most cases when I feel nervous like this, I cannot deduce a pattern. I just understand that I feel nervous whenever. It's starting to become bothersome because it keeps me from concentrating from what I need to do"

One of the worst things ever is when someone presents to you this image of who they supposedly are. This purported 'image' makes them seem much better than they are. Then you find out what they're truly like and you're left feeling like a mug. Feeling like a mug because you realise that you have placed them on a much higher pedestal than they deserved. Leaves you feeling somewhat irritated. Anyway, enough rambling. I've got a sketch to get on with, then I have some work to complete as I'm behind on quite a bit :-| 

"You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away; make you something different in an instant"

xo